The Nature of Abuse

I almost didn't publish this post, but I feel like it is an important one for me, personally, to remember.  I've been working on it all day and have gone back and forth many times over whether or not to post it.  So bear with me.

I'm sure many of you have seen or heard about this video.  I saw it first posted on facebook by a friend.  Then another.  Then another.  All the responses were along the lines of "Good for you for standing up to your daughter!"  And I'll confess that, while aspects of the video were deeply disturbing to me (mostly the ending when he unloads nine rounds into his daughter's laptop), I was thinking more of how bratty the daughter's letter was than how completely inappropriate the father's reaction to it was.

I've thought a lot about this video over the past forty-eight hours.  I've discussed it on facebook, I've discussed it with just about everyone who knows me in real life, and I've now written about it here.  And I still find myself conflicted.  I realize most people will read this post and think, "man, lighten up.  It wasn't a big deal."  But for me it was.  Mostly because I always thought myself to be sensitive to abuse of all kinds. 

On the one hand, I can console myself by saying I was disturbed by the man's actions in this video.  On the other hand, I condemn myself for thinking, even a little, that the daughter deserved it.  But as I read through the comments on this video and heard so many people patting this father on the back for what was basically psychological and emotional abuse, I felt more and more ashamed of myself.  I would NEVER do anything like this to my own daughter.  So why would I think it was okay for this man's daughter to be treated this way?

I understand why people wouldn't initially think of this as abuse.  But consider, for a moment, the unconscious messages of this video.  First of all, this man is so angry he is having trouble forming coherent sentences.  He is obviously humiliated, though I suspect his humiliation stems more from the fact that his daughter chose to air their dirty laundry in front of all of his friends rather than what was actually said.  Regardless of the reasons for his humiliation, he chose to retaliate against his own daughter by humiliating her even more.  In his mind, he needed to put her in her place.  That'll teach her to ever humiliate him again, won't it?!  He makes the money, he does the work, so his feelings and thoughts are more relevant than hers!

The reality is that this girl did not ask to be born.  Her parents chose to bring her into this world.  And it is a choice.  They could have used contraception, they could have had an abortion, or they could have given her up for adoption.  But since they chose to have her and raise her, they have a responsibility toward her.  Part of that responsibility is to teach her morals and responsibility, to be sure, but the most important part of that responsibility is to love her unconditionally.  That includes clothing her, feeding her, putting a roof over her head, and making sure her emotional and psychological needs are being met. 

So you have been taking care of her physical needs for fifteen years?  Good for you.  But just because you do all these things doesn't mean she is required to blindly obey you in everything you say.  As any child is wont to do, she will test her boundaries.  You cannot say "If you ever question me or defy me I won't provide food and shelter for you anymore", because then CPS would swoop in (hopefully) and remove her from your rather questionable care.  To me, whether he consciously intended to or not, that is exactly what this father is saying to his daughter.  "Do what I say and behave how I dictate or else you'll know exactly how hard life can be", is not something that should ever be said to a child.  You may as well tell them straight out that your love is conditional on how good of a child they can be.  You'll be constantly testing them and judging them to see if they measure up.  To see if they deserve your love today.  I pray that my daughter will never feel that she has to earn my love or that it ever comes with stipulations. 

A couple years ago, when Lily was really starting to exert her independence and test her boundaries, we started time outs.  Lily is a very sensitive child and if she ever perceives anyone as being angry with her, it is upsetting.  But especially me or Ernie.  So after putting her in time-out a few times, I noticed that she was getting more and more hysterical each time.  Something just wasn't right.  So I sat her on my lap and explained to her that when she does something she shouldn't do, there has to be a consequence.  Namely, sitting in time-out for a minute to consider her actions.  But I also told her that there was nothing she could ever do that would make me stop loving her. It would never happen. 

After that, she was no longer hysterical over time-outs.  But ever since then, every time she gets reprimanded or I get upset at something she does, whether she gets put in time-out or not, she asks, "Do you still love me, Mommy?"  At first I was worried that I made her doubt that I would love her somehow.  But then I realized that she just needed the constant reassurance that my love was unconditional.  So every time she asks me, I tell her yes, that I will always love her and I give her a hug.

I am not a psychologist by any stretch, but I think that is something that kids need on a basic level.  That reassurance that there is always someone who loves and supports them no matter what happens.  But there is something that happens to adults when children reach the teenage years.  We somehow dehumanize them and put them into the category of "kids these days."  They're disrespectful.  They're brats.  They're selfish.  They're unappreciative.  But weren't we all?  That doesn't mean that we get to start treating them differently.  When Lily is a teenager, I hope I can still reassure her, just as I do now, that I love her NO MATTER WHAT. 

The future of our world is our children.  The only real difference we can make is raising them to be the compassionate, kind, selfless, confident people we hope they become.  So it isn't enough to say, "well, at least you have food and clothes and a roof".  We have to do better.  We have to question our actions and reactions and consider the nuances of psychological and emotional abuse.  They are harder to detect than physical abuse because we often don't see our behavior toward our children as abuse.  But in the forty-eight hours that I have pondered this video, I've realized just how easy it is to overlook abuse.  Because that is what I did.  This man's words alone (and I will get to his actions shortly) constitute emotional abuse.  The scars of which are much harder to heal than those of physical abuse.

Now, let's consider the end of this video.  If you didn't watch it, just fast forward to the last couple of minutes and take a look.  In a sort of hostage-execution-video-style, he pans the camera around to show his daughter's laptop on the ground.  Then he shows his handgun.  Then he proceeds to shoot it full of holes.  After which, he pauses to say, "oh, and your mother wanted me to make sure you knew this one is from her".

Okay, I don't know the psychology behind this, but I don't think it takes a degree to see that this is messed up beyond belief.  My first thought when seeing this was that he was replacing his daughter with her laptop in order to vent his anger.  What kind of a message is that sending?  You better not mess up again or the next one will be in your kneecap?  Maybe I'm being overly-dramatic, I don't know.  But the image disturbed me.

I was talking to Ernie about this last night and he told me that I had to understand that redneck southerners don't view guns with the same sensitivity as I do.  He didn't think of it as violent.  It was just a way to dispose of the laptop.   That thought kept me up half the night.  I've concluded that it isn't enough to shrug your shoulders and cop this up to different strokes for different folks.  Just because some people don't think about the subconscious messages and psychology of this video, doesn't mean they aren't there.  Just because some people think this isn't a big deal doesn't mean it isn't.  And just because the daughter thinks the dad was justified in what he did, doesn't mean he was.   We cannot demand respect of your children without giving them respect.  They are people.  They are individuals who have their own thoughts, fears, emotions that are every bit as valid and important as our own.  Probably more.  They are not mearly extentions of ourselves.

This is not okay and I am appalled by myself in particular and society at large for vindicating this man in any way, shape or form.  I think CPS should come in and get him (and possibly his wife) mandated parenting classes.   And I think that I need to work on my own sense of compassion and think a bit more about my parenting philosophies.